i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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