I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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