did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
