i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
