I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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