its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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