I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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