nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Found the puke drawer
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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