I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
