What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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