Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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