If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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