my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
