i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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