I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
