she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
