i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i out mim tonsoeep
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