just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
