My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize