the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Are my feet made of real feet?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
