It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bring me that man meat
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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