new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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