I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize