this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just found puke in my bra..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
