I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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