So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
