Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
