I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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