My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
