Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
