A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
