Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
