I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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