i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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