I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize