You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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