so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize