I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize