I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
