Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
