I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
