The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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