1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
