Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
