I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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