Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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