U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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