You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm really busy with my period
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