so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
