It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
