Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
