when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
