So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
