She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
