I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My hand turned me down
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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