trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
