textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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