i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
